and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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