speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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