dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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