Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
