a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
