Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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