i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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