Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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