cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
