Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
