my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
