After last night, I could never be a politician.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
