I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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