Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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