I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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