If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
