Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
