the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
