i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
