tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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