Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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