Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
