both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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