idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize