I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
