She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
