You're so nebulous sometimes
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
