She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
