Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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