I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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