I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
