I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
