singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
