i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
