my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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