I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
