the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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