He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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