She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
