Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
