I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
