I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
