You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
