Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
