Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
