Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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