Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
