I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize