So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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