I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
