I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
