Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
