Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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