I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
