After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
