she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
