I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
