I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
