Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
