Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
