I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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