My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
