dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
